the chaos in my head

At this very moment, I have 5 things running through my mind, all of which are causing anxiety.

I woke to concern about what my priority to do’s will be for the day;

Beth, my ADHD Coach, is coming today, I think, or, do we have a call, what time, did I owe her something, did I break another commitment? I know I haven’t been religious about updating my daily update sheet! I’ll have to confess that I didn’t really stick to the health regime I set for myself.

I need to splash some cold water on my face, my face, oh shit I didn’t even wash my face before I went to bed. While in the bathroom, the anxiety heightens, I can see hair all over the counter, leftover beard trimmings sprinkled on the faucet, how do I brush my teeth with that floating in the air? The garbage can is overflowing, who knows what might be living underneath all that toilet paper!

I need coffee, I know the kitchen is a mess, I can’t deal with the mounds of dishes right now.

I go down to the kitchen and am immediately overwhelmed, after a busy weekend the dishes, laundry and clutter have piled to a point of overwhelm. I can feel myself shutting down, where do I start?

It’s a Monday, I can’t get lost in a cleaning frenzy, but, I can’t function with the house in its current state, everywhere I look there is mess and clutter.

I saw a moth fly out of a pile of clothes at the foot of our bed, triggered I obsess over the idea of germs, bacteria, moth larvae breeding amongst damp towels and my favorite sweatshirt. I feel itchy and have to change my clothes. My mind conjures a scene from Night Gallery, Rod Sterling commentating, after they go to sleep the moths imbed themselves in the sleeves of their shirts and crawl into their eardrums….

Brian has made breakfast, but I can’t make myself go downstairs, the kitchen is so full of bacteria and God knows what, enough crumbs on the floor to feed an army, the counters caked with everything we cooked over the past 48 hours. The kitchen sink has remnants of a week’s worth of food, the recycling bins are having a mold carnival, literally green fur babies climbing up the walls of the bin.

Brian shares a great opportunity with me, Denver Startup week is taking submissions for topics to be presented, I get sucked in, this sounds amazing. He urges me to not delay, we read what the requirements are, I get excited, starting to hyper focus on how and what I can develop. He suggests I talk to Beth about it when she arrives, oh yeah, Beth’s coming, I have an hour to straighten the house, eat breakfast, take my meds, get in the shower, find clothes that aren’t infested with moths and have my agenda ready to review. Yeah that’s not gonna happen, I can’t stop the freight train brain. I need to empty my mind so I can focus.

Noting that today is the deadline to submit income taxes, Brian asks “can you tell me what your plan is to take care of your taxes today” …. the death march begins to play in my head, my anxiety escalates.

The kitchen is still a mess, at least 15 loads of laundry await me, I’m thinking, Brian offered me to just leave the house to avoid the stress, he’ll take care of the mess, I panic quietly, he has no clue how to clean the way I do, not because he’s a slob, but because details that relate to scrubbing and de-fumigating are not on his radar. I will surely have to come home and “re-clean” anything he does!

We have very different ideas about what creates an unsanitary environment.  The stress over the disorganization throughout the house is immobilizing. I can’t move out of the chair, I know if I get up and walk around I won’t be able to help myself, the piles of paper have taken over every surface; counters, coffee table, kitchen table, sofa, ottoman. The clutter never ends.

I now feel guilt aligning with my scaling anxiety, I just wasted 15 minutes emptying my mind of “neuro clutter”. Ahhh, that’s a good made up word, I should google it to see if it’s available, I should write a blog titled Neuro Clutter.

Wait, I wanted to write a blog last night called What is Neurodiversity and outline another called The Impact of Stigma. I had great intentions until Brian sat down and started a movie. MARS, yeah that sounds good, I was tired anyway.

I’m all over the board, at this very moment, it requires energy to actually stop typing.

I now have 20 minutes before Beth arrives, the rationalizing begins, I don’t need to shower, I can pop a few mints and throw my hair in a ponytail.

I’m vaguely aware as I write that I am struggling to stay on topic, not just with what I write but with the thoughts converging in my head.

I forgot to take my ADHD medicine. I can’t forget to remind Brian to pay the lawyer, I need to make a transfer to the business account, I need to reach out to all the people I met on Saturday at a social cause event. I need to create some social media content.

And taxes, where do I fit that in. I need to hire an assistant, and a new cleaning person. What is the most efficient use of my time today. I should write a list, or, better yet use any one of the 4 lists I already have going on my MacBook desktop. My Master Task List doc, My Daily Task List doc, My Life List doc. Brian mentioned a vacation yesterday, he had me look up cost of flights to beach destinations, If I don’t seize the moment it will fall off the radar like everything else and we’ll never get anywhere.

The new puppy, we don’t have anything ready for the puppy yet, the fence is broke, the puppy could run away, I’ll be broken hearted and this will start a war between Brian & I.

Victoria St.John
CEO | Founder | Neurodiversity Advocate
Sexy Genius PBC

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